It was a hard day to plow into. I had a headache this morning after a night of searching for things lost to me. I had to search for monitors lost at work, had to search for my nephew Kayden who went missing and then had to search for my sister, Tammy, when she disappeared, too. I am sure that the obvious theme of loss is apparent to anyone reading. I did actually sleep about eight hours last night, compared to the naps of the previous two nights where I was worried about Lusay. I was hoping I would dream about her, but that has not come about, yet.
There is a song that came to me yesterday as soon as I spoke to Dr. Walton about the "final solution" to Lusay's suffering. It is a song by Eddie Vedder for the film, "Into the Wild". It is not a song about death, but about release from obligations, freedom to become and explore. I had to listen to it over and over last night to actually hear the lyrics. Why THAT song came to mind at that time and persisted, I have no idea. Lusay was not yet gone, but the message was a message of release and maybe my subconscious wanted me to hear that message, because she was an indominable force in this household. You can hear the song here:
Loki is now trying to be the lap cat of the house. He hears the phone ring or me dial the phone and suddenly he is on my lap, like Lusay. He only weighs about twice as much as her and he can't control his claws like she could. I still think he feels her lost acutely, like I do, and is trying to fill in. I know my boys love me and worry about me, because even Ulysses is more a presence than he usually is. Right now, I pick them up and love them and talk to them. They are my mental salvation, even if I keep crying about Lusay. I know that I will come to an emotional equilibrium at some point. When my Grandma Snow died, I was a mess for weeks, but when my father died, it was a few days and I was better. I guess I will see where Lusay fits in that continuum.
I have to thank the members of my coven for 24/7 emotional support. They all are animal lovers like I am and know my pain. My sister Tammy for her support. My friend MiLinda for her support because she knows me and my animal connection powers! I have to thank Mony and Winn and April and Liz from work for their love and support. It has made going to work the last two days actually bearable.
I am getting better. Lusay is gone, but not forgotten and not unfelt. In fact, maybe she still watches over me in my time of need. I will pay attention when I go to bed for a weight upon my hip or a purr in the dark.